Ruminations

I don’t know what to do with this grief. It’s still so raw and painful. I find myself crying at really inopportune moments and I feel as though I shouldn’t feel this way about someone I never met. But Stacy touched my life in a way that I can’t even describe. She was light and brilliance and like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like her again. I’m so pissed off that she’s gone. She needed to stay but she couldn’t and I just don’t know what to do with that.

I wonder how someone so bright and beautiful and luminescent as Stacy was could just decide she was done, that this was it. I’ve been in dark places, where I feel like I may deserve to just end things. Stacy seemed to have so much to live for. Brody, her legions of friends, but it wasn’t enough. That was Stacy. She decided when to stop the film. If nothing else, she stayed true to herself.

If this last week has taught me anything, it’s that I need to reach out more often to people I care about. Stop worrying that they don’t really like me, that I’m just a pain in their ass. That’s (most likely) not true. So if I suddenly start bugging the shit out of you, you know why.

I also need to discuss with my doctor about reducing my anti-depressant. I feel very flat. Nothing gets me very excited or happy and that’s no way to live. I am not kidding myself that I could ever live my life the way Stacy did, because I’m never going to be that fearless. I’m too filled with anxiety. But I need to kick this inertia to the curb. It’s not doing me any good and if the price I pay is that I get sadder for longer and more frequently, so be it. I also need to feel the exhiliration that life offers. I don’t think I’ve felt that in a long, long time.

 

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