For Stacy Fucking Campbell

The other night, I learned that someone I only knew online had committed suicide. I don’t know what to do with the emotions I’m feeling. She wasn’t a personal, in-real-life friend, but she was someone I was on contact with regularly for a long time. She was funny, smart, irreverent, and talented beyond belief. She’s left such a hole in all the lives she touched. Her photos were lovely and she was just a wonderful human being.

I can’t even remember how I first “met” Stacy. We seemed to follow a lot of the same bloggers and I probably clicked on a link to her blog from someone else’s blog roll. Her blog was full of love for her dog Jurgen, some of the most inappropriate and funny shit I’ve ever read, and words that just soared off the screen. I had a huge blog crush on her.

One day, I discovered that she was running a writing website called IndieInk. I submitted many stories to the site, and even won first prize (which consisted of glowing praise and being featured on the front page) once. To my complete and utter surprise, she soon asked me to join the team as an editor, and I did.

For the next year, I spent every day talking to her and the others running the site. Some of our emails were prosaic and work-oriented, but others were hilariously funny and I would often be at my desk at work with my fist in my mouth, stifling giggles. It was such a good time. I’ll cherish it always.

Stacy and I would also email privately, not about work. She knew I struggled with depression and I knew she had issues as well. She was always supportive and giving and so, so caring. But I think that maybe came at a price. She didn’t often discuss her own struggles, or if she did, they were deflected with a wry comment or witty aside. It was easy to think that she was doing OK, that she was handling it. I wish that were true because she might still be here today.

I don’t believe in god or heaven, but where ever Stacy’s spirit is now, I hope she’s at peace. She deserves that. Goodbye, you silly, beautiful, wonderful woman. I am going to miss you.

fb angel

And because I can never see this without thinking of her:

bus

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marian
    Sep 20, 2015 @ 22:09:04

    It is hard to think of people who are legends to us as mere humans. This is really rough. I am grateful to Stacy and IndieInk for my connection to you. xoxo

    Reply

    • majorbedhead
      Sep 20, 2015 @ 22:25:25

      Oh, Marian, I am too. This has just hit me so hard and I feel like I’m co-opting the grief that her family and friends are feeling, but fuck. I just keep saying “Dammit, Stacy” in my head. All day. God damn. It really hurts.

      Reply

  2. Colleen
    Sep 20, 2015 @ 22:11:00

    I’m sorry you lost a friend.

    Reply

  3. Sarah Piazza
    Sep 21, 2015 @ 04:50:47

    I feel this way, too. Thanks for writing it.

    Reply

  4. avitable
    Sep 21, 2015 @ 08:46:34

    Well said. Thank you for these words.

    Reply

  5. Laura
    Sep 21, 2015 @ 11:58:22

    My heart aches for you and for a world without her. I didnt know of her but I’m saddened by the loss of another extraordinary human due to depression.

    I think of you often J.

    Reply

  6. Nancy
    Sep 21, 2015 @ 14:06:30

    I only knew Stacy online, too, but it seems that Stacy never met a stranger. We didn’t talk often, but she seemed to skip the early awkward stages of friendship and go straight to long heartfelt talks.

    I don’t believe in God or heaven either, but I am a hypocrite who makes exceptions for animals, so I believe Stacy is happily reunited with Jürgen.

    The world is a lesser place without her.

    Reply

  7. Summer
    Sep 21, 2015 @ 16:19:31

    I met her because of indieink. I only exchanged emails back and forth with her a few times. But the strange intimacy of the internet makes stuff like this so surreal.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: