Ruminations

I don’t know what to do with this grief. It’s still so raw and painful. I find myself crying at really inopportune moments and I feel as though I shouldn’t feel this way about someone I never met. But Stacy touched my life in a way that I can’t even describe. She was light and brilliance and like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like her again. I’m so pissed off that she’s gone. She needed to stay but she couldn’t and I just don’t know what to do with that.

I wonder how someone so bright and beautiful and luminescent as Stacy was could just decide she was done, that this was it. I’ve been in dark places, where I feel like I may deserve to just end things. Stacy seemed to have so much to live for. Brody, her legions of friends, but it wasn’t enough. That was Stacy. She decided when to stop the film. If nothing else, she stayed true to herself.

If this last week has taught me anything, it’s that I need to reach out more often to people I care about. Stop worrying that they don’t really¬†like me, that I’m just a pain in their ass. That’s (most likely) not true. So if I suddenly start bugging the shit out of you, you know why.

I also need to discuss with my doctor about reducing my anti-depressant. I feel very flat. Nothing gets me very excited or happy and that’s no way to live. I am not kidding myself that I could ever live my life the way Stacy did, because I’m never going to be that fearless. I’m too filled with anxiety. But I need to kick this inertia to the curb. It’s not doing me any good and if the price I pay is that I get sadder for longer and more frequently, so be it. I also need to feel the exhiliration that life offers. I don’t think I’ve felt that in a long, long time.

 

For Stacy Fucking Campbell

The other night, I learned that someone I only knew online had committed suicide. I don’t know what to do with the emotions I’m feeling. She wasn’t a personal, in-real-life friend, but she was someone I was on contact with regularly for a long time. She was funny, smart, irreverent, and talented beyond belief. She’s left such a hole in all the lives she touched. Her photos were lovely and she was just a wonderful human being.

I can’t even remember how I first “met” Stacy. We seemed to follow a lot of the same bloggers and I probably clicked on a link to her blog from someone else’s blog roll. Her blog was full of love for her dog Jurgen, some of the most inappropriate and funny shit I’ve ever read, and words that just soared off the screen. I had a huge blog crush on her.

One day, I discovered that she was running a writing website called IndieInk. I submitted many stories to the site, and even won first prize (which consisted of glowing praise and being featured on the front page) once. To my complete and utter surprise, she soon asked me to join the team as an editor, and I did.

For the next year, I spent every day talking to her and the others running the site. Some of our emails were prosaic and work-oriented, but others were hilariously funny and I would often be at my desk at work with my fist in my mouth, stifling giggles. It was such a good time. I’ll cherish it always.

Stacy and I would also email privately, not about work. She knew I struggled with depression and I knew she had issues as well. She was always supportive and giving and so, so caring. But I think that maybe came at a price. She didn’t often discuss her own struggles, or if she did, they were deflected with a wry comment or witty aside. It was easy to think that she was doing OK, that she was handling it. I wish that were true because she might still be here today.

I don’t believe in god or heaven, but where ever Stacy’s spirit is now, I hope she’s at peace. She deserves that. Goodbye, you silly, beautiful, wonderful woman. I am going to miss you.

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And because I can never see this without thinking of her:

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