Ten

Thursday was my tenth wedding anniversary. I spent much of the day crying.

I didn’t cry because I miss him or still love him, I cried about what could have been, what we did have once upon a time. At one time, it was good and we loved each other. And then, we didn’t. I miss that love. I miss that feeling that someone loves me, that someone is there for me. We didn’t have that the last few years and yes, there are lots of reasons that I’m not going to dredge up now, but at one time, we did.

I talked to him on the phone that night because the girls wanted to say hello and I didn’t say anything about it being our anniversary. I doubt he remembers – last year we both forgot it. But I remember and it makes me wistful and nostalgic, which is never good for me. I drag out Sarah McLachlan CDs and cry when I get like this.

I am not going to wallow but I feel like I need to acknowledge this, like lighting a candle in church or leaving a stone on a grave. It’s gone now, but once, there was love.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lauraj
    Jun 19, 2010 @ 09:39:26

    Big Hugs Major Bedhead. I’ve been where you are. More hugs.

    Reply

  2. Sharon
    Jun 19, 2010 @ 19:04:23

    My first marriage would have had its 22nd anniversary this past June 4th. Every year I remember and note it, but this was the first year since my ex contacted me and apologized for the things he had done. I texted him on the 4th. It felt better to remember it with someone than alone.

    Reply

  3. Minnesota Nice
    Jun 19, 2010 @ 20:36:00

    Oh my, Julia. I hadn’t been over here is a while and didn’t realize that you’ve been doing some really hard travelin’. So sorry. I will light my special pink candle for you tonight.

    Reply

  4. Heidi
    Jun 19, 2010 @ 22:03:48

    Hugs!!!

    Reply

  5. Wisconsin Mommy
    Jun 19, 2010 @ 22:34:09

    Hugs! Hopefully it will hurt a little less each day.

    Reply

  6. Suebob
    Jun 19, 2010 @ 23:37:24

    That getting on with things can be rough, even when you KNOW it had to be over. I guess it takes our heads a while to catch up with our hearts.

    Reply

  7. Zazzy
    Jun 23, 2010 @ 15:50:56

    Ms B! I’m sorry I haven’t caught up with you in a long time, I missed your blog move. It sounds as if much has been happening in your life. I wish you good things and happiness coming into your life.

    Everyone needs a good cry once in a while. Don’t they say it helps to cleanse us?

    Reply

  8. Sarahtoo
    Jun 28, 2010 @ 21:21:52

    I’m so sorry that you’re hurting–and it truly can be the what-could’ve-beens that hurt the most. Hang in there, cuz! You are doing a great job. Hugs to you!

    Reply

  9. Kelly
    Jun 29, 2010 @ 13:13:20

    I think that acknowledgment is a good thing. And that you’re a good person.

    Reply

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