Disjointed

Both of my kids are sick today. The Bug started puking in the middle of the night and Boo has a nasty-sounding cough. I think I got about an hour and a half of sleep.

That Canadian Boy I Married refused to go in a bit late so I could run to the market for a few things – we’re out of milk and I wanted to get some Saltines and applesauce; typical sick day food. So later, I’m going to have to go myself, taking them both with me. Hopefully The Bug won’t puke while we’re out.

He’s mad because I slept (or, rather, dozed between bouts of puking) on the couch last night.

Boo was crabby and didn’t give him a kiss goodbye this morning. Of course, as soon as he walked away, she wanted one but he refused and walked out the door, leaving her crying.

I just don’t think this is going to work. I don’t think he likes us, any of us, that much any more and I’m not sure that I like him either. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I do like him, sometimes, I just don’t think I can live with him any more. I don’t think he’s going to change that innate selfishness he has going on; I just don’t think he’s capable of it. I don’t think he even realizes that he does it. The fact that I have to ask him for these things, like going in half an hour late so I can run to the market without two sick kids in tow, and the fact that he refuses, doesn’t indicate that he’s willing or able of changing that aspect. Plus, I’ve become so ingrained in my attitudes that I’m not sure I can change either. I don’t talk to him about anything anymore, mainly because when I used to he either didn’t listen or didn’t remember it. He seemed disinterested, too wrapped up in his own thing, so I stopped bothering. I should have tried harder. I could have made more of an effort instead of retreating inside my own head.

I think about living on my own all the time. I fantasize about it the way some people fantasize about winning the lottery. It still makes me sad to think about this ending. We’ve been married for nearly ten years, not an inconsiderable amount of time.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, where I’m going to live, if this ends. I don’t even have a job right now, nor do I have any prospects of getting one any time soon. My credit history sucks and finding an apartment is going to be difficult.

He did say that he wanted me to find some books that might help us work on this, so perhaps all is not lost. The problem is I don’t even know where to begin. Most of the stuff I saw online was pretty Christian-based and neither of us are religious. At all.

If any of you have any suggestions for books, I’d love to have them. I’m floundering over here.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. daysgoby
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 08:42:41

    I’m so sorry to hear this, Julia. So sorry.

    Offhand, I can’t think of any book suggestions – maybe the reason most (if not all!) are religious is an introspective thing? Y’know, like only the religious can be introspective and believe in something bigger than themselves.

    (Inappropriate joke. But am trying to make you grin.)

    Will think about this. Hugs to you, hon.

    Reply

  2. patois
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 09:03:26

    I’m no help on the recommendations front. Do you know anyone in counseling? Perhaps someone like that could give some recommendations (assuming it doesn’t come with the recommendation to get into therapy).

    I have to say that I was really sad to hear how we walked away from Boo. I’m sure she’s over it by now, but that just seems particularly petty.

    Reply

  3. Heidi
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 09:32:59

    I’m sorry! I can’t believe he wouldn’t go in a little late. I hope your run to the store goes okay!

    As for books, I’d look for stuff by John Gottman. I have one called “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and it is excellent (and nonreligious, I’m almost positive). He’s a researcher who has done some interesting work on marriage and I enjoyed reading the book because it’s based on statistics and findings rather than opinions.

    Reply

  4. magpie
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 10:13:19

    I wish I could help. Have you thought about joint counseling?

    Reply

  5. majorbedhead
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 10:24:15

    Yes. I’m in therapy but he refuses to go. Books are as much as he’s willing to do.

    Reply

  6. Kelly
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 10:59:29

    Lisa Thompson in Hadley has done great things with some of my “potential” clients who wanted to try to save their marriage before heading down the D-word path. I know money is tough but often the therapist can bill it to insurance as family therapy and insurance will cover some costs. I highly highly recommend giving every effort to working this through, divorce is hugely devastating to family and finances. Trust me. Here’s the website: http://www.sharevision.net/

    Best,

    Your Friendly Neighborhood Family Lawyer

    Reply

  7. sandy
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 17:23:06

    He does does seem to have selfish down to a science. Sometimes the one thing that outdoes the devastation of splitting up is the devastation of staying with someone who treats you badly.

    Obviously I don’t know what the solution is for you two. I’m just sorry you’re going through it and hope better days are around the corner, no matter what direction this goes.

    Reply

  8. Suebob
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 22:39:26

    I’m not really one who should be giving relationship advice, but Harville Hendricks seems to have some ideas:
    http://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3257180309&ref=pd_sl_11yxfihwot_e

    Reply

  9. FabledBrewer
    Mar 12, 2010 @ 13:38:19

    I second the recommendation for any books by John Gottman. His stuff helped us out quite a bit a few years ago.
    http://www.gottman.com/

    Reply

  10. Kelly
    Mar 12, 2010 @ 14:52:35

    I haven’t read Hendricks before, but I’ve heard great things about Getting the Love You Want.

    Reply

  11. NicoleP
    May 14, 2010 @ 11:08:03

    Julia –

    How the hell did I get so out of the loop??

    I’m sorry to read these posts. But boy, that innate selfishness thing, seems to have gone around this past year and a half. If you’d told me three years ago, I would have found myself walking out of an eleven year old relationship, leaving pieces of myself and my posessions in the wake, I would have said you were crazy. The truth is, I’d gotten so used to feeling miserable and useless, it wasn’t until I walked away that I found I was feeling that way all. the. time. But god. What a change once I stopped feeling that way, happier, more productive, more alive, wanting to do more.

    Of course, the drama hasn’t ended – and his cheating ways and the person he cheated with seem to think it’s a fun game to disrupt my life on a weekly basis. But that’s neither here nor there, I guess.

    What I’m trying to say is that although you may be sacrificing now – and it hurts – and you have kids – which makes it even more astronomically challenging – your own health, well-being, sanity, are really important.

    I hope you’re OK – and would love to here from you by email…

    xo – N

    Reply

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