State Of The Union

Sunday we’re supposed to have a state of the union conversation. We started last Thursday, talking about some of the things that have been going on, issues we’re having with each other – because I’m hardly blameless in this – and decided that setting aside a block of time on this weekend would be a very good idea.

I’m kind of freaking out. I just don’t know what I want, from him, from me, from the marriage. It’s all hugely confusing and when I try to think about it, my mind starts doing that curl-in-a-ball-and-rock-back-and-forth thing. He says he just wants to sort things out, decide if we have enough in common to keep this going or not, to talk about what we like about each other, what we think needs to be changed and what things aren’t going to change no matter what (his love of sports, my love of being left the fuck alone). It all sounds reasonable and right but it’s making my stomach hurt and my head ache and I find myself weeping over stupid things.

I asked him  how his parents did it – they’ve been married for over 30 years, so they must be doing something right. His answer? “My dad hung out at the Legion every night, drinking with his friends and my mom stayed home because she didn’t like doing that. Their marriage sucked when I was a kid and didn’t get better until my dad started going away for work for two or three months at a stretch.”  *Cue Jaws music* My response, before I could even think was “Well, the apple didn’t fall far from that tree.”

So, yeah. I have no clue what’s going to happen on Sunday, but I feel pretty sure I’m going to need a large, stiff drink when it’s all said and done.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. daysgoby
    Mar 05, 2010 @ 15:33:31

    This sounds very grown-up and reasonable and terribly hard to do. I don’t envy you, and you’re not alone – I straddle this line more often than I like to think about.

    You are a smart, articulate woman. Write down what you want to say and stick to it.

    Talk soon, love. Let me know when.

    Reply

  2. Kelly
    Mar 05, 2010 @ 17:16:03

    I’m not certain what to say here, except that you do have people who support you and wish you peace and happiness. I know the going has been rough for you, for a while. So I’ll be thinking of you…

    Reply

  3. sandy
    Mar 06, 2010 @ 22:32:01

    Be strong.
    Be honest.
    Good luck.

    Reply

  4. Paul
    Mar 08, 2010 @ 11:30:56

    Okay I’m late to this.. but as a person who’s been divorced twice, widowed once and planning to get married again very soon I feel I should chime in.

    What i’ve learned is you can’t discuss your marriage like some kind of labor union negotiation. While it’s true that every good relatinoship involves a little give and take from both parties, remember the bottom line is people don’t change very easily and those that can have to work hard and struggle to keep the changes. Think of ex-smokers and drinkers. yea people quit but often not a day goes by where it’s not at least thought about.

    In an ideal world people marry and stay that way forever, it’s not an ideal world. You both need to do what’s best for each of you and sometimes you have to realize it may not involve each other.

    On the other hand, a good “come to Jesus” meeting can shed a whole new light of understanding and you may both each have a new found respect and tolerance for the other’s habits. Often these “habits” actually have an innocent spark.. sometimes people say go out to hang at the bars because they feel they are disturbing the other person when they’re home.

    Maybe I’m just replying as an exercise for myself, sorting out my own past mistakes and you might not want to pay attention to a word I wrote.

    Overall I think Sandy really put it best.. Be strong and honest.

    Reply

  5. Heidi
    Mar 08, 2010 @ 21:24:22

    How did it go? Thinking about you!!! ((hugs))

    Reply

  6. Angela
    Mar 09, 2010 @ 00:49:36

    I’m also thinking about you and hoping things went okay.

    Reply

  7. Sarahtoo
    Mar 09, 2010 @ 22:20:26

    How did it go?? Are you OK? I’m thinking of you too, and hoping for the best–whatever that best is.

    Reply

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