…And The Horse You Rode In On

I’ve been trying with That Canadian Boy I Married. He complains that we don’t have enough sex. It’s true, we don’t. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t know if it’s the depression, the complete and utter stress of having no money and no job prospects, the issues I’m having with Boo or a bit of everything but sex is the last thing I want to do. I enjoy it once we’re into it but I don’t initiate it. Ever. I’d rather read a book or go to sleep than have sex. But I’ve been trying the whole fake it ’til you make it thing, on the theory that if I keep at it, I’ll get my mojo back.

And for a bit it was working. We were getting along well and had a nice weekend, which is unusual. I spend most of the weekend wishing that it were Monday and that he’d go back to work because he picks fights with me all weekend and I’m none too pleasant to be around either.

Today, though, he told me I never thought of anyone but myself. This was brought on by a bank deposit, of all things. I drove to one bank, took out some money and put it in the other bank so that a bill could get paid. This has left us with about $40 for the rest of the week. We need diesel (that’s another post), which takes $15. We have food and milk and don’t need anything else. I thought keeping the cash in my pocket would be better. Less chance of it getting frittered away with his trips to Wendy’s or the little market for sodas.

He told me I was being selfish because now he doesn’t have any money. He wouldn’t answer me when I asked what he needed money for right this second but he was pissy and rude and talking to me like I was a child. He doesn’t want to discuss the amounts of money he’s wasted on beer or hockey when we don’t really  have the money to spare, just on the fact that I have money in my pocket so I’d better not waste it.  On what?? Jesus. What am I going to buy with 25 fucking dollars?

I am redoubling my job hunting efforts. I’m not sure how much longer I can stand to be treated like this, blowing hot and cold, talking to me like I’m some sort of dim-witted simpleton. He’s going to throw it in my face that he makes the money right now and yes, he does, but that doesn’t give him the right to be the only one who has access to it. I’m not out buying shoes and handbags and clothes. I shop at the Salvation Army, for god’s sake, when I do need something. I scour the sales flyers. I am careful with the money. And I don’t need this shit.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Neil
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 13:23:09

    It is difficult to comment on posts like this. I can say that I completely understand what you going through, but that is not entirely true, because each person has a unique relationship. But I think sex and money will always be a common battleground in these things, even if that is not the real issue. It’s not easy to figure out how to get to the real problem and resolve it. Hopefully, writing about it helps get some of the frustration out of your system, knowing that someone is reading it.


  2. Heidi
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 13:27:38

    I hope you find a good job soon. I can’t believe he’d throw a tantrum over $25 because he wants to fritter it away!


  3. majorbedhead
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 13:35:24

    There are definitely other issues, Neil, you’re right there. That’s why I’m in therapy. It’s hard to work on relationship issues, though, when he won’t even entertain the thought of going too.

    Writing does help but I do feel like I’m just going over the same shit again and again. Beating my head against the wall never does any good but I’m not sure it’s time to give up entirely.


  4. Andrea (@shutterbitch)
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 13:59:10

    Aw hon. I am right where you are. We just budgeted out our month and we have 2 bucks left. Worrying about that stuff makes anything else difficult to think about. I hate it too.

    I hope things get better. I hope he sees that getting upset over your intentions with the money you had when what you need is for the family is not selfish and that he’s being selfish making you feel guilty because he can’t get a burger with money you need to buy milk. I hope the job thing works out soon.


  5. Kelly
    Feb 14, 2010 @ 13:37:14

    I hope you can find something, too. It’s quite easy to feel marginalized when you’re not bringing in an income, and you’re spot on with the idea of ‘wasting’ cash on beer and other stuff.

    And about your libido, if you’re feeling like crap in the relationship, you’re not going to want to have sex. I do understand the ‘fake it til you make it’ thing, but you also need a contribution from him in terms of being treated better. Feeling like a respected equal does wonders for sex.


  6. Suebob
    Feb 14, 2010 @ 22:16:39

    Yeah, I had this conversation too. Though it was because I bought the wrong brand of toilet paper.

    I think it is a totally unfair and mean accusation. I felt like all I did was think of him. It was that fight that led me to start plotting my getaway.


  7. magpie
    Feb 17, 2010 @ 22:37:12

    Yeah, I hear you. Really. Argh.

    I hope things get better.


  8. Sarahtoo
    Feb 19, 2010 @ 00:27:00

    Ugh. I’m so sorry–that sucks, and it seems totally unfair. I hope it gets better.


  9. Diana
    Feb 24, 2010 @ 14:06:03

    I hate when sex becomes an issue – it puts all kinds of pressure on it and then it evolves into this emotionally charged thing. I have been there. I tried to just go along with the program too, but we weren’t emotionally connected and that just made me resent the shit out of him. Lots of therapy later we are on the mend, but it is hard work – even harder to do on your own. I feel for you.


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