More On Boo

I took Boo to look at a new school today. Well, day care, really, but I’m calling it school because that’s what she’s used to. She seemed to like the place and was bummed that she couldn’t stay. She’s going to start there in 2 weeks. She needs it. I need it. I really hope it will help with her behaviour.

Sometimes I think maybe it is all me. When I take her places like that or over to my sister’s, she behaves pretty well. She doesn’t bounce, she listens to what she’s told and she never stamps her feet or sits there in a huff. She was great today at the new school but as soon as we got in the car, she started hitting her sister and yelling at me about something. Honestly, at this point, I just tune it out.

It’s maddening and depressing as hell when I let my mind go down that path and believe me, it’s a path it goes down a million times a day. What am I doing wrong? I’m sure I’m screwing her up for life somehow, otherwise she wouldn’t behave this way, right? If she can control herself at school and at my sister’s, why can’t she do it when she’s with me? I know she’s capable of doing it so why can’t she do it all the time?

I was thinking about this last night, when I should have been sleeping but was instead waffling back and forth between beating myself up and wondering if maybe she’d always been like this.

And then I remembered this:

She’s been doing this since she could stand and jump. So maybe it’s not just me. Maybe this is just how she is. In a weird way, I kind of hope so because thinking that I’ve done something to so screw up my own child is a horrible thought to have.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jill
    Feb 02, 2010 @ 13:36:59

    It's not you. I think all kids are worse with their parents (their mothers in particular) than with anyone else. Something about pushing buttons and getting attention, even if it's negative — they can't resist. Do you ever read @jmatlin's blog? She has similar feelings about her daughter's behavior… you should check it out. http://mommysaidwhat.wordpress.com/

    Reply

  2. sandy shoes
    Feb 02, 2010 @ 14:07:00

    I don't think it's you, either.

    Reply

  3. Zazzy
    Feb 02, 2010 @ 18:26:56

    Hi Ms. B. It's been a long time since I commented but I do read all your posts. I wish I had some great and wonderful wisdom to help and I just know I'm going to put this all wrong…There could be a lot of different reasons for what's going on and parents very naturally tend to blame themselves. No one is a perfect parent so yes, there probably are things you can do differently and it's the experts jobs to help you figure out those things. That doesn't make you a bad mother who has screwed up her child. You're doing what you need to do for her – you're looking for answers and trying new things. Don't give up on either of you. Remember too that it is really hard to figure out what's happening with a troubled child. Please make sure that you're getting support for yourself and the rest of the family during the process. I hope that you find answers and even more importantly, solutions that work. Take care of you.

    Reply

  4. Moonspun
    Feb 03, 2010 @ 02:47:05

    It's not you…not at all. And if you are finding her a good space for during the day so she can learn skills she needs, that's a good thing. Bad parents do bad things. That's NOT you.

    Reply

  5. Mommy Said What?
    Feb 22, 2010 @ 09:41:18

    Woman, I hear you loud and clear. LOUD AND CLEAR. It’s enough to make you want to rip your hair out and run around screaming, isn’t it? Do you also get from everyone else, “I think you’re lying. She’s just the sweetest, funniest, most charming kid around?” ‘Cause really, that’s the best.

    Sigh.

    Reply

  6. OpinionatedGift
    Apr 08, 2010 @ 09:46:42

    OK…allow me to be the jerk here and go against the grain and say that it IS you…BUT, not because you’re a bad mom over all or evil.

    Children are generally far worse behaved around their parents, more specifically their mothers. That’s because on that weird psychotic child brain level, they feel safe enough to vent.

    My own daughter was a monster around her mother from the time she was about 3 or so. (By the way, have you had the Bug evaluated for Aspergers or Autism…see if she is on the spectrum as my daughter is?).

    The other thing is, she is reacting psychically to what is going on in the home. The dynamic between you and M, your deep unhappiness and fear.

    BUT STOP BLAMING YOURSELF OR BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT.

    We all screw up with our kids…it’s inevitable. your life is what it is and you’re doing what you can to get things on an even keel. You just lucked out on getting a child who acts out to deal with the tension.

    You’re taking steps, you’re finding a place for her. She needs that too.

    It’s you and it’s M and it’s not your fault.

    You’re a hard working mom with more on your plate than you deserve. One day the Bug will look back at it all and you will be her hero. I’d bet on that.

    Reply

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