The Talk

We had a long talk the other night about this whole mess. He’s still claiming he doesn’t remember taking or sending those pictures. He also doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the conversations he’s been having with this woman in Bulgaria. I am finding myself very suspicious of them because they all contain lots of hugs and love you’s and comments about how beautiful she is. To me, that’s a bit more than friendship.

He claims that because he writes it as “luv you” it doesn’t mean anything. Seriously. I laughed when he said that. Does he think this girl is going to differentiate? Especially when he calls her sugar, honey and love elsewhere in the messages? I know I wouldn’t if it were me getting those messages.

It bugs the shit out of me that he calls her sugar. That’s what he calls me.

I can’t figure out if he’s being sly as a fox or stupid as a box of rocks. He looks me right in the eye and tells me nothing’s going on, that it’s in Bulgaria, for god’s sake, and that I’m an idiot if he thinks he moved all the way down here just to throw it away for some girl he’s never met and I want to believe him but I can’t.

I don’t know if this is me and my issues or if I’m right in not believing what he’s saying. I just have a hard time thinking that the tone of these messages is nothing. If it were me getting messages like that, I’d think that this guy was really into me. I don’t get how he doesn’t see that. Or if he’s just trying to blow smoke up my ass and make me question my own already-shaky sanity.

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25 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kitterztoo
    Oct 20, 2009 @ 20:02:16

    He knows what he's doing. Yes, it will most likely never culminate into a physical relationship. Unfortunately, it has all the earmarks of an emotional relationship. Would he say these things to this woman in front of the children, you, and other family members? Emotional relationships are just as devastating as physical ones. If he truly cannot remember sending those pictures, it's time he sees a neurologist to address it. No one "forgets" about sending pictures like that unless they have a medical problem. I hope some sort of therapy will enlighten him to this fact. You are not wrong in feeling the way you do.

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  2. LT
    Oct 20, 2009 @ 20:19:25

    The point isn't whether he is or isn't cheating on you with this woman. The point is that his virtual relationship with this woman is causing you pain. Period. He needs to stop it right now, regardless of his opinion of the merit of your argument. It's not about who's right and who's wrong. It's about being disrespectful to you and your feelings.Then get marriage counseling.Hugs.

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  3. Laurie
    Oct 20, 2009 @ 20:48:16

    I feel like emotional affairs are much more difficult to get over than the physical kind. To connect with someone at that level who is not your partner is extremely damaging. It breaks bonds of trust and companionship–both of which are foundational. The sad thing is men (sorry men) are quite dense. They can participate in these emotional affairs and have no idea that is what they are doing because it is not physical. So in their mind it's okay as long as it is is "just" words. They do not attach the same meaning to words and gestures that we do. Of course, that is not to excuse this at.all. Before you guys can work on you guys, he needs to understand why what he is doing is so damaging. And it sounds like he is not willing to see this from your point of view. Hopefully you can get him to understand why he needs to stop talking to this woman and work on rebuilding your trust. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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  4. Heidi
    Oct 20, 2009 @ 23:11:54

    I don't know if he's being sly as a fox or dumber than a bag of hammers. But it's his actions. Pay attention to his actions. It is *not* normal to be corresponding with other women in ways that include sweet nothings and naked pictures. It doesn't matter if to him "nothing" is going on. Reality is that inappropriate conversations *are* going on, and that's not okay. Even if you guys had a really liberal, open relationship, IMO the difference is honesty and respect. And effort. Is he putting as much (really, MORE) effort and tenderness into his relationship with you? To me, that's what sticks out.I saw on Twitter someone mentioned something about him being young and horny. I know 29 isn't the same as 39, but it's old enough. He's a married adult with 2 kids. Youth has nothing to do with it. Period. I taught 15-year-olds who were capable of behaving more maturely than what he's doing. The issue is doing the right thing – and if you don't, handling it honestly and maturely.I think sometimes the best lies are the ones where the person knows what you want to hear and says it even though it's not even close to the truth. I wouldn't pay attention so much to figuring out if he means what he says and if he's telling the truth. IMO his actions are what matters. And the bottom line is you were hurt, he knew it, and he's still doing it. I don't say that to mean it's hopeless or you're wasting your time or anything like that. But I do think you're in a position where it's totally appropriate (and healthy) to determine what your boundaries are and be very firm with them.I should stop now before I ramble endlessly. But more than anything I'm really sorry for this horridly sucky turn of events.

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  5. SUEB0B
    Oct 20, 2009 @ 23:22:19

    Gah. He needs to commit himself to his marriage or….

    Reply

  6. Mad Woman
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 02:24:58

    Whether or not HE think he is cheating (emotionally or otherwise) is beside the point darlin'. YOU are unhappy with the events, YOU are uncomfortable with the pictures, the "luv yous", the "sugars" and all that other smoochy drivel. That alone should be enough, for someone who is theoretically NOT as dumb as a box of rocks, to QUIT doing what he's doing. If your marriage means anything to him, and I sincerely hope it does, he would cut off ALL contact with this woman IMMEDIATELY. I don't care if she's in Bulgaria or the next freakin' town over. It's wrong, he KNOWS it's wrong, it's making you unhappy and he knows it..and that should be enough.Big ((HUGS)) to you my dear. I went through this about 4 years ago…and thankfully came out ok on the other side..but it's tough. Keep your chin up and remember that you deserve better than what he's giving you right this minute.

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  7. Angela
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 04:31:31

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

    Reply

  8. TT
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 06:09:43

    I've been right where you are and it sucks, sucks, sucks. For me the hardest part was my lack of control over the situation. I agree with what Heidi said, the only thing you can do is make a firm line to where your boundaries are and then stick to it.

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  9. Anonymous
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 07:53:35

    I just went through basically the same thing a few months back, (at least the emotional relationship) except it was with a girl he works with. The hurt is the same, whether it be a relationship online or in person. I agree with what Heidi stated, you have to draw the line on what you're comfortable with & happy with, then you have to make him understand your lines. ((hugs)) It was QUITE rough for a few months between DH and I, but with the help of some family & friends we were able to get my point across and things have been MUCH better for the last few weeks. He couldn't see anything wrong with having a female best friend and I had a problem with it. The turning points in it came not long after I did a google search of emotional affairs and read to him the information from the sites, in addition to quite a few very frank, to the point conversations with him, without getting too emotional during them….for whatever reason he tunes me out when I'm passionate about something and it shows.Many hugs & hope you're able to get your feelings on the matter conveyed to him in a way that helps him change his attitude & behaviors in this regard.

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  10. Andrea
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 09:07:37

    I can't say anything that the others haven't said already, though I agree totally that the point isn't that HE doesn't think it's a transgression but that YOU do. I just wanted you to know I'm here, supporting you as always (and I'm sorry for my lack of commenting lately) and that if you need anything, you can always email me. Andrea/ShutterBitch

    Reply

  11. sandy shoes
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 10:02:44

    What LT said.I hate that he's doing this to you. And I don't care if he's sly or stupid, and I don't care how young he is. He's a married man and it's hurtful and wrong to be pulling this kind of bullshit and then saying all wide-eyed, "what?", like all the strongest marriages have this adolescent CRAP going on. He is full of shit, is what he is. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Do NOT second guess yourself about that.

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  12. Mama Bub
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 10:03:42

    Whether or not he thinks he's done something wrong isn't really the point. Like everyone else has said, it's your perception of what's happening that's a problem. Not that your perception is wrong, but that he's unwilling to see how his actions are harming you and then turning it around on you as if you're the one causing the problem.

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  13. Lisa
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 10:39:16

    I agree 110% with LT. If he loves you, he shouldn't hurt you PERIOD.

    Reply

  14. MelD
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 10:52:58

    Charles Manson can murder someone and not think it's wrong, yet it's still murder. The ponzi scheme guy can think he's not defrauding people, yet it still is fraud and theft. My 2 year old can throw toilet paper down the toilet and think it's funny, yet it still floods the bathroom. Your husband can carry on an emotional affair with someone in Bulgaria and it's still an affair. If he's sharing things with her, that he is not sharing with you, if he's putting her on the same emotional level that he puts you (calling her sugar) then it is an affair, regardless of what he calls it. The age old saying – if it walks like a duck….Right now he's playing mind games with you. You know what he's doing is wrong, you know what evidence you have. If any of your girlfriends said "hey, do you think it's wrong for my dh to send naked pictures?" you'd be all over it telling them that that constituted an affair. But he's clouding your judgment because you're on the inside. that's not to say you can't work it out – you can if you both want to, but the first part is for YOU (not him) but YOU to label it as what it is. Then you can decide how to move past it. You can say "My husband is having/had an affair and I need help."

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  15. Patois
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 11:31:51

    I'm so sorry. I don't know if knowing it's happened in others' lives — ahem, mine — gives you anything besides a "Meh" or what. In the end, he needs to recognize that what it means to you trumps that it "means nothing" to him.

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  16. elizasmom
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 12:45:01

    It seems to me like here, and in several other instances that you have described in your posts about your struggles with depression, he fundamentally doesn't get what you are going through. And — and this is the thing that seems like the bigger problem in my perspective — he doesn't bother to TRY.I wonder if he understands what's at stake? No ideas beyond those already cited here for HELPING him understand, just wishing for you that he does, soon.

    Reply

  17. Green-Eyed Momster
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 14:14:58

    You know I love hugs but I have only accidentally given one to a male bloggy friend and I apologized because I would never want my hubby giving hugs to a female blogger, you know? It's just a habit after typing a comment to leave females Hugs!! and I leave Miss Yvonne Jugs@@ because it was a funny typo one day and she likes it better than Hugs!!So, I guess it's okay for you to start up a friendship with a man in Bulgaria and call him your hubby's pet name, send him hugs and tell him you luv him? How would that make your hubby feel? Have you asked him?Hugs!! (just for you!)

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  18. Green-Eyed Momster
    Oct 21, 2009 @ 14:17:05

    Oh, yeah, while you're at it send your luv in Bulgaria a picture of your tits!More Hugs!!

    Reply

  19. Andrea
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 09:18:10

    I've been there, too. "How could you possibly think I was cheating on you I wasn't cheating on you these are just EMAILS they don't mean anything just because we're talking graphically about sex and body parts and using emotionally loaded terms doesn't meanI was CHEATING on you, how could you say such a thing? Plus even if I was it's all your fault because I'm not getting enough sex from you so really if you'd just put out more I wouldn't NEED to write these emails. So there!"It's BS.

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  20. Lara
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 09:22:36

    I agree with what most of these other folks are saying. Don't second guess yourself. You have every right to be upset about this, and he needs to make an effort to understand what's happening in his marriage. I'm sorry, lady. I hope things start looking more hopeful soon…

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  21. Lyrehca
    Oct 23, 2009 @ 04:55:51

    So sorry you're dealing with this. Be strong!

    Reply

  22. landileigh
    Oct 23, 2009 @ 21:10:32

    and as President Clinton thought… most men don't think that oral sex is having sex. so when he said I did not have "sexual intercourse with that woman", he believed he did not have any kind of relation. little did he know, he DID have sex with her. and so was WRONG.your husband is having an affair with a woman in Bulgaria. whether he believes he is or not (because he isn't have sex with her), he is. an affair of the heart is still an affair. and in the eyes of the court, it is considered an extramarital affair.sorry hon.

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  23. Sarahtoo
    Oct 25, 2009 @ 17:23:05

    Well shite. I have to agree with the other posters–whether or not he intends it to be an affair, it sure seems like one to me. You're certainly not differentiating between spellings (not that I think that excuse holds water anyway), and I'm betting she doesn't either. He needs to respect you and your feelings and break the thing off. Completely. I'm so so sorry that you're going through this!

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  24. Christina
    Oct 25, 2009 @ 22:18:37

    It's an affair, whether he chooses to call it that or not. He's emotionally involved with another woman on a level that should only be reserved for you. And his relationship with her is hurting you.I've been through something similar – a year later my husband and I are still in therapy for it. But we couldn't even get to the point of therapy until he ended things entirely, with no chance of him ever chatting with the other woman again. It took more than one conversation to convince him why he needed to do that if he wanted any chance to salvage our marriage.Put your foot down. Be strong when talking to him. You deserve his attention, not some woman in Bulgaria.

    Reply

  25. Lea
    Oct 27, 2009 @ 07:17:50

    This just sucks, and I'm sorry you're in pain.

    Reply

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