Still….

He’s still talking to the woman in Bulgaria.

He’s changed the passwords to his email and Facebook accounts.

I will have one more conversation about this and then I think I’m going to be done. He seems to be incapable of stopping and he seems to be going to some lengths to hide this from me, which does not bode well nor does it make me want to trust him even a little bit.

I really thought we’d had a good conversation about this last week, that I’d made my point and gotten it thru to him but apparently not. I’m not going to try to keep something alive if he’s not going to reciprocate.

The Talk

We had a long talk the other night about this whole mess. He’s still claiming he doesn’t remember taking or sending those pictures. He also doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the conversations he’s been having with this woman in Bulgaria. I am finding myself very suspicious of them because they all contain lots of hugs and love you’s and comments about how beautiful she is. To me, that’s a bit more than friendship.

He claims that because he writes it as “luv you” it doesn’t mean anything. Seriously. I laughed when he said that. Does he think this girl is going to differentiate? Especially when he calls her sugar, honey and love elsewhere in the messages? I know I wouldn’t if it were me getting those messages.

It bugs the shit out of me that he calls her sugar. That’s what he calls me.

I can’t figure out if he’s being sly as a fox or stupid as a box of rocks. He looks me right in the eye and tells me nothing’s going on, that it’s in Bulgaria, for god’s sake, and that I’m an idiot if he thinks he moved all the way down here just to throw it away for some girl he’s never met and I want to believe him but I can’t.

I don’t know if this is me and my issues or if I’m right in not believing what he’s saying. I just have a hard time thinking that the tone of these messages is nothing. If it were me getting messages like that, I’d think that this guy was really into me. I don’t get how he doesn’t see that. Or if he’s just trying to blow smoke up my ass and make me question my own already-shaky sanity.

Another Fine Mess

I kind of don’t know what to say about all of this. It’s a little embarrassing to talk about but since I was all over Twitter about it last weekend, I guess I should blog about it so I can use more than 140 characters.

I was using my husband’s computer last Friday night and found some lengthy correspondence between him and another woman. It wasn’t raunchy but the tone was very tender and caring and intimate in a non-physical way. So I started poking around. Caveat – for the last five years, he’s always told me to go thru his email and phone if I ever had doubts about him. He did this once before, you see, when I was pregnant with Boo. This is why I was poking around. He’s been spending an inordinate amount of time on the computer, on Facebook and MSN chat and I was starting to wonder what was going on.

I found pictures he’d sent of himself to a different woman. Naked pictures and she’d sent some back to him. I confronted him about it and he claims he has no memory of taking or sending them.

Uh huh.

I don’t even know where to go with this. How can he have no memory of it? He said maybe he was drunk when he did it and if that is the case (which I seriously doubt), then we have a whole other issue to deal with. Had he had that much to drink, he would have been sick the next day and he was fine.

I haven’t had much time to discuss this with him because our schedules never overlap and it’s not really something I want to discuss while he’s at work or in front of the kids. I’m going to have to schedule a meeting with him.

It’s all so ridiculous and pathetic and I’m so sick of being disappointed.

There’s a part of me that just wants to give up, to get my own apartment and be alone, with my kids, for a long, long time. It would be peaceful. It would be a lot less work that this shit. I wouldn’t have my heart out there, getting stomped on time and time again. I think I’d like that.

You Are Missed

Wrath

Oh hi. I didn’t realize it had been 30 days since I last posted. Blame this guy. He keeps egging me on.

Anyway, an update: the drinking thing has tapered off. I don’t do it every night, like I was doing. When I do drink, I keep track of how much I’ve had and I stop when I get that buzzy, fuzzy feeling and I go to bed or switch to water. I feel much more in control. I’m not going to over analyze that right now – I have a lot going on and I don’t feel so overwhelmed by the need for a drink, so at the moment, I think I’m good. That may change. It may not. We shall see.

But the wrath thing. This is one of the seven deadly sins, no? Not that I believe in religion but I’ve been listening to my friends’ podcast and they’ve been covering those sins on there. Their most recent one covers wrath.

And oh mah holy hell, do I feel some wrath lately.

Some of it is at my husband. I’ve covered this before, the not doing what he says he’s going to do, the staying out until all hours of the night a couple of nights a week, the complete and utter lack of help around the house. I’m sort of done with bitching about that. I’m still pissed as hell, but I feel like it’s been well and truly covered here.

No, my most recent wrath is directed at our politicians. I am totally pissed off about the lack of the public option in the latest health care bill. I watched Keith Olbermann last night (10-1) and was sputtering with rage when I heard about the Baucus amendment to the bill, allowing fines and/or jail time for anyone who doesn’t get health insurance. Does he have any idea what it costs to get health insurance on your own? We pay over $1000 a month out of my husband’s paycheck to have health insurance. Buying it on our own would cost exponentially more – $18,000 a year was the last figure I got. We can no longer see O’s endocrinologist in Boston because they won’t cover her. I pay $100 a month for her insulin and $70 a month for my medications. My therapist isn’t covered at all, so I pay that completely out of pocket and my therapist, whom I love, has tried time and time again to get on my insurance. I’m not going to switch therapists.

And now they want to fine people???? What the fucking fuck? Really? Do they think this is going to help anyone?

What is so bad about a public option? What’s so horrible about Medicaid? I fill a ton of prescriptions at the pharmacy for people on Medicaid. They are getting top of the line drugs for nothing or for a $4 co-pay. These aren’t generic drugs, either. They are brand name drugs sometimes.

Why can’t this be available to everyone? Why must this continue this way? Why are our elected officials more beholden to the insurance industry than they are to their constituents? We elect them. Shouldn’t they be listening to us?

Senator Boehner says he’s never heard of one person who wants the public option. I need his address so I can give him a piece of my wrath-filled mind.