More Crazy

I had to fire my primary care doctor. She wouldn’t prescribe the anti-depressant that I’ve been taking. I’d been seeing a prescribing psychiatrist, but his office moved 25 miles away from where I live, so I’ve been looking for a new one (a Herculean chore if ever there was one) . In the meantime, I ran out of medication. Actually, I was getting low on medication and then Boo decided to throw the bottle, containing my last 4 or 5 pills, into the toilet and that was that. Out of meds.

So I called my primary care doctor, assuming that she’d write the prescription. I explained the situation to her nurse and she said she’d get back to me. Well, she didn’t. So I called again. I was told, again, that she’d have to talk to the doctor and call me back.

Three days of this shit and by the end of the third day, I was ready to kill someone. By this time, the pills were gone and I was starting to feel lousy. I’d been kind of weening myself, since I had a suspicion this might be an issue with this doctor, but still. I’d counted on another week of pills and now they were, literally, flushed down the toilet.

The doctor refused to fill the prescription. Even thought I gave her the name and number of the psychiatrist who’d originally filled it, even though I told the nurse I’d had no side effects, even though I said I was having trouble because of the withdrawal side effects, she didn’t care. When I said that I was having trouble getting a prescribing psychiatrist, she didn’t care.

So I fired her.

And now I’m not on any anti-depressants and oh my holy hell, is it kicking my ass. I spend most of every day trying not to cry and have been having some really dark thoughts. I keep thinking about how I’m fucking up my kids and fucking up my marriage and how the last thing I want to do is pass on this crazy to my children. I worry so much that they’ll be like me when they grow up and I so don’t want that for them.

Because this sucks. This black hole is miserable. I want out. And I can’t get a fucking psychiatrist to call me back and help me. This is one of the things about depression – you need help so badly, but the system makes it so difficult. And it’s so easy to give up. And that’s what I want to do. Just give up. Completely. Crawl into a hole, find a cave, hell, even hide under the blankets for a few days. I just want to stop feeling like this. I fucking hate it.

I hate that I can’t see the fun any more, that I don’t feel the happy. All I feel is bleak and dark and sad. I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to talk to anyone and I just want that all to go away. I feel paranoid – that people are talking about me, that people are laughing at me behind my back, that I’m a useless lump, a forgettable bit of flotsam, no one worth bothering about, no one worth befriending. And I know this is the depression talking, but the voice is very loud in my head and very hard to ignore.

I want my life back. It might not be much of a life, it might not be what I wanted it to be, but it was my life.


26 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Zazzy
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 10:13:00

    Won’t the old psychiatrist refill your script under the circumstances? It’s not exactly ethical to leave you without options until you can find a closer doctor. Cold turkey off of psych meds is a miserable place to be. Take care of you! Go through the ER if you need to.Hugs. Life just keeps throwing curve balls.


  2. Lisa
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 10:19:00

    That stinks. Would your OB/GYN do it for you? You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers!


  3. Lyrehca
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 10:23:00

    Oy, this is just as if O’s doctor wouldn’t fill a prescription for insulin. Good luck and keep calling til someone fills the prescription.


  4. LauraJ
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 11:17:00

    no matter what i say won’t make you feel any better, just know that you’re not alone, that i feel like this everyday and this has been my normal since i was 12. big hugs!


  5. Lili
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 11:20:00

    Can you have the pharmacy fax in a request to the original doctor?


  6. Leslie from Bookclub
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 11:31:00

    If you were on Zoloft, send me an email. I have some you can have.


  7. ~*~K.A.T~*~
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 11:34:00

    I would have done the same thing. My pcp doesn’t like doing that either, but for scripts like that, he knows he better fill them or else. I hope you find a better doc and that you get better fast.


  8. Anonymous
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 12:26:00

    What do you need? I have a friend with some Prozac, let me know, call or email me. Free delivery.Deb


  9. sandy shoes
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 12:43:00

    Yes. Fire the bitch.You will find a way to get your meds. You will.In the meantime, the blackness? Remember, it is depression LYING TO YOU. The voice isn’t just talking… it is LYING. You are NOT fucking up your kids. You are NOT worthless, or any of that. None of it is true.DEPRESSION LIES TO YOU. Remember it.


  10. Heidi
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 13:58:00

    Hugs! Depression sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. I would definitely call your former psychiatrist, explain what happened, ask for a refill, and ask for a referral or ask them to actually get you into someone local who can help you asap. Doctors can sometimes coerce favors out of other doctors. In the meantime, please focus on what you *know* to be true rather than what you feel is true at this exact moment. This tunnel is temporary, even if you can’t see the light at the end of it.


  11. Mike
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 14:01:00

    I going to be like everyone else and say hang in there. I haven’t gone through your experience so I won’t even try to understand it. But I do hope that you get through to the light at the end of the tunnel and see the good things again…


  12. Nicole P
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 14:58:00

    Man. That sucks. I have no words of wisdom – but I have this…What you need is to come to Providence on Sunday the 26th and see a great play with me. I’ll spring for the tickets – and the gas if you can come… I need folks who’ll get it. Come? Please? Or at least email and say you can’t come… – N


  13. kimmyk
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 19:32:00

    As someone who works in healthcare here are some options…1) your old prescribing physician can call in one 30 day supply til you get a new physician.2) your pcp who you fired should fill the rx. especially if you say “i do not have a physician now since he moved away, and i am feeling suicidal” (that may be a strong word but you say that word and it gets people moving because now you’ve put it in their plate and it’s become their responsibility so should something happen, they were warned and did nothing…potential lawsuit) 3) go to the ER and then they will have the on call physician treat you and then you will have a new doctor or a referral for physician to do follow up care.4) call your health dept. or local mental health facility. they are available 24.7keep your chin up…


  14. talesofmy30s
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 20:23:00

    I’m feeling for you. I hope you get some resolution like…yesterday. (I’m in a rather dark spot right now myself.)


  15. crazymumma
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 20:27:00

    This is so damned poignant and it makes one realize how so many are just set adrift.fuckers.sorry. it just pisses me off.


  16. Ree
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 21:01:00

    __hugs__ I have nothing else to offer, but love and friendship. If you ever want to talk, email me. I’ll send you my phone #.


  17. daysgoby
    Oct 15, 2008 @ 10:46:00

    I’ve never been down that low (so I feel strange about offering advice) but I’m here, and I love you, Julia. And there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with your parenting skills.There has to be some way I can help with this…


  18. Anonymous
    Oct 15, 2008 @ 19:43:00

    I am remembering when I stopped taking my meds and it seems like the first week was the worst for me and it also depends where you are in your monthly cycle – hormones can wreak holy hell with depression. Please don’t give up – if you cannot tolerate the symptoms of withdrawal please contact another Dr. obgyn, emergency room etc good luck


  19. Christine-Megan
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 07:27:00

    You were absolutely right to fire your doctor. That was irresponsible to leave you with no options, essentially. I would say the psych who originally started you on it is your best bet. Even though he’s far away, it might be worth it to make a one-time-visit to get a refill or two to tithe you through.I wouldn’t recommend telling anyone you’re suicidal. In most states they’re then required to admit you to a psych floor for at least 72 hrs.(((hugs))) Good luck.


  20. momofcwd
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 15:57:00

    Julia, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing – I hope you have gotten a doc to write you a new Rx and you are feeling better! Sending good thoughts and prayers your way….


  21. Shutter Bitch
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 15:59:00

    Yes, fire the idiot! What kind of doctor does that knowing full well the withdrawal that will ensue? Because she probably didn’t know you were already weaning a bit. I hope you’ve found a doctor by now, and if not, email me any time you feel upset or bleak and need a shoulder.I mean it.


  22. Sarahtoo
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 17:11:00

    Oh, man–what they said! [[HUGS]] to you, and I hope you find someone. There’s got to be a way to get someone in your area who can help. My first thought was to call your prescribing physician and see if he(?) can help, at least in the interim. You don’t have to feel this way!


  23. Fairly Odd Mother
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 20:04:00

    I agree with everyone else—get yourself to the ER or a walk-in clinic if need be and say whatever it takes to get the medicine you need. I hope you get the help you need soon! Hang in there—you aren’t screwing up your kids—show them that you’ll do whatever it takes to get the help you need. Remember the whole “squeaky wheel” saying and just SQUEAK until those doctors give you what you need.


  24. Anonymous
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 20:47:00

    You can’t stop those meds cold turkey. You are bright and resourceful…I agree call the psychiatrist to call in the script for 30 days and then as quickly as possible get a new primary. Was the primary just unwilling to prescribe over the phone? Or refused in person? If in person, I’d report the doctor. I would NOT say you’re suicidal to get attention – they may end up baker acting you and you don’t want that nor do you want that on your record. Do you have mental health coverage? If so, the plan should get you in to see someone immediately based on how urgent this is.I’m sorry Julia. I live with depression and after trying so very medications, I’m finaly on the right dose and feeling “normal” again. You know you want to feel well again, and YOU WILL feel well again. (((BIG HUGS)))) I promise it will get better.


  25. Lara
    Oct 18, 2008 @ 00:24:00

    at least you see this happening and you know that it’s not real. the darkness feels real, but it’s not. it’s not because you’re sick right now, and that’s not your fault. hold on to that knowledge best you can, and know that you are loved by many.


  26. Darcie
    Oct 18, 2008 @ 02:03:00

    A friend recommended your blog to me (I guess since I’ve had a bit of trouble with depression and meds and pharmacies…and by “a bit” I mean for 7 years). I’ve never had this exact problem, but don’t you just feel imprisoned by the pharmacy sometimes? Its like the pills that make me free are also the chains that ground me. They call mine “treatment resistant” and it scares the hell out of me.


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