Torn

I have to go back to work. I’m so conflicted over this that I find myself sitting here going “buhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh” with my hands clapped over my ears and rocking back and forth in the corner. Figuratively. For now.

On one hand, I don’t want to leave the babies. Boo is so much fun (most of the time, when she’s not being fucking TWO) and the Bug is such a smiley, happy, funny baby that I’m generally pretty content to be home with them.

On the other hand (there’s a golden band…sorry, chanelling Randy Travis), I am looking foward to getting out of the house, to talking to other adults, to not being consumed with baby poop and baby food and naps and diaper changes and the dripdripdrip Chinese water torture that is staying at home with two little children.

I’ll miss going to playgroup. I really like the women in it (which surprised me, given my misanthropic tendencies) and I’ll miss seeing them every week. I’ll miss their kids, too. They’re all really nice kids.

I’ll miss hearing Boo say “Oh, hiiiiiiii, Mama,” with her arms open wide and her face smiling all over as I come into her room after her nap, as though I’m the one person she’s been longing to see. I’ll miss the Bug grinning her gummy little grin and wiggling her tiny body excitedly every. single. time. she gets a glimpse of me. She’s about to crawl (she’s only six months old, people! Is that freakishly early? Or am I just forgetting?) and I don’t want to miss that.

I’ll miss the Boo snuggles and Boo kisses whenever I want them. I’ll miss the feel of the Bug when I hold her little body close to me. I’ll miss Boo colouring 87 pictures for me and reciting the alphabet (sort of) to me. I’ll miss singing Ram Sam Sam. I’ll miss going to story time.

But then I scan the help wanted section of the Sunday paper and I see fifteen or twenty jobs that sound interesting and like they’d pay well and it seems like I could do them with one hand tied behind my back. I see all the temp agencies looking for administrative help and I know I could have a job next week. I called my former day care provider and had a long chat with her and while she can’t take in both my kids, she’s going to see what she can do. If she can’t take them, she can give me some referrals.

We definitely need the money. Desperately. More than desperately, to be honest. And I need the stimulation. I also would like to work at something I enjoy. The writing thing seems to be going well and while I know that I can’t get a job in the field, I could get something that would use my writing skills. I would enjoy that. A lot. So it looks like this is going to happen. Part of me is really, really looking forward to it. I just wish it didn’t make me feel so guilty.

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Shannon
    Feb 05, 2007 @ 14:14:00

    Would it be possible to start back to work part time?I can’t believe Bug is 6 months already…and yes, it is very young for crawling!

    Reply

  2. LauraJ
    Feb 05, 2007 @ 15:28:00

    It’ll all work out and a year from now you’ll be wondering what the broohaha was all about. A goes to school and I miss him, but missing them is good, you love them all the more when you see them again. That Bug is one determined little gal! At least she’s not walking! I had a niece that walked at 9 months!

    Reply

  3. MileMasterSarah
    Feb 05, 2007 @ 15:32:00

    Julia, As a working mom, I know where you are coming from. Not because I’ve ever been able to stay home with them for too long (4 weeks with my son, and my entire pregnancy and first year for my daughter, so I guess I was off work a long time), but because I know how hard it is to go back, and I know how hard it is to keep working. This is how it works for me, I work for money so I can live. I don’t live to work. My work understands and accepts that I will never work overtime. Ever. There is not enough time. But, from them I do get an opportunity to make some money and get some benefits (the most important piece of all, ie. health insurance!) I had a job before my current job that just sucked. If Gracie and Sandis had had their diagnoses while I worked there I would have been fired long ago. Don’t beat yourself up too much over necessity. We all do the best we can with what we have been given. I hope you find a job that fabulously meets all your needs. And then some.

    Reply

  4. Scott K. Johnson
    Feb 05, 2007 @ 17:22:00

    It’s a tough thing – but as you say, it will be nice to communicate with adults more again.Hoping for the best for you and your family!

    Reply

  5. Vivian
    Feb 05, 2007 @ 21:42:00

    Julia, that is a tough one. Both sides have pros and cons, so you do what you need to do and it will all be ok.Taylor walked at 8 months, the other two not so much. Since that first step she has been bull headed and has wanted to do everything herself. It just means the Bug is going to be a strong woman like her mama. =)

    Reply

  6. Mamma Sarah
    Feb 06, 2007 @ 06:18:00

    Good luck with going back to work, it’s hard no matter what!

    Reply

  7. terrilynn
    Feb 06, 2007 @ 09:35:00

    Like every mother on the planet, I’ve struggled like you are with the work/home dilemma. It seems like a hard choice, but when you put it in terms of providing for your family, it’s really not. I had three years at home with Liam, but the financial repercussions are still being felt five years down the road, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. The trick is finding the proper balance, and I’m still working on that one myself!Your children know how much you love them, and your time with them will be that much sweeter when your financial worries aren’t so crushing.

    Reply

  8. Angela
    Feb 06, 2007 @ 14:07:00

    Good luck in the search. I hope you can find something that you will enjoy!My other 3 kids were all crawling at 6 months. B was walking at 10 months. Bug seeing Boo moving around probably is helping her to become mobile quickly.

    Reply

  9. theBarefoot
    Feb 06, 2007 @ 16:34:00

    Sucks! You might even have to comb your hair.

    Reply

  10. MileMasterSarah
    Feb 06, 2007 @ 21:40:00

    Sandis crawled at around 7 months and walked (the first time before he broke his femur) at 11 months. Gracie crawled at a year and walked at 18 months, but she has joint problems and was delayed in general.

    Reply

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